But I like my resentments!

We can ask the question: who hasn't been hurt by the actions or words of another?

I think Peter felt pretty good for being willing to forgive seven times: "Later, Peter approached Jesus and said, How many times do I have to forgive my fellow believer who keeps offending me? Seven times? Jesus answered, Not seven times, Peter, but seventy times seven times!" (Matthew 18:21-22) Forgiveness means different things to different people. Generally speaking, forgiveness involves a decision to let go of resentments, offenses, and thoughts of revenge. I do not know how you see forgiveness, how you feel about it, or how you interpret the verse above. I'm not an expert on forgiving others, even though I've had my encounter of practice, I would like to share with you my experience that changed my perspective and feelings about forgiveness and offenses. You see the verse above, plus the verse form the Lord's prayer: "Forgive our sins as we forgive others" translated in my heart more of a religious rule; you forgive Or ELSE...you can fill in the blank. It always gave me that feeling that I need to get over something, be the bigger person, put aside my feelings and the matter, and forgive. Put my feelings of hurt aside, no matter what happened, no questions asked. This rule seemed very heavy to carry many times in life; it made me feel that forgiveness is not an elective; it's a requirement. We must forgive because the Lord has forgiven us. It felt it was my duty, it was a must, and if I failed to carry out my responsibility, for once, I was a lousy Christian, and for two, who knows what would happen to me or those around me, as a consequence of failing of doing this. How many times I've heard that unforgiveness keeps you imprisoned and chained to your past, but forgiveness sets you free. Or that unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die. And still, I struggled so much with this "rule", but the truth is, I'm not sure I can deal rightly with those who have hurt me. We all know that anger, wounding, bitterness, and intensity of retribution is so dangerous and potentially damaging to our bodies and soul, and still woven deep in our souls is a desire for fairness. We ache for things to be turned around and to be good. And even though forgiveness is a must, I could also say to you, but I like my resentments. My resentments and I, we have a special relationship. In those moments, when everything is quiet, I want to bring them out. I want to treasure them. I want to polish them. I feel them, and they feel me. I replay old words over and over again, like a song that clings to me. I sing the same songs, never satisfied, always thinking one more lyrics, and I will be able to finish the song. As I keep singing, I create dance moves to the songs, like anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, you name it —my heart races; my mind is on fire, and my body gets sick. It never stops. And the more I sing and dance, the worse things become, just like that, my own resentments have taken on a life of their own. I know I have no business holding onto resentments. They are just too powerful. How do I stop storing them up as treasures? How do we depart from each other? How do I let go of them? I struggled with those questions, till one day I've heard a different definition of forgiveness...it was not just the definition itself that changed the whole game for me, but the entire context of it. The context was so beautiful: LOVE. I am deeply loved and accepted, no matter what. I do not have to forgive to be loved or accepted by God. I am loved and accepted by my God because of Jesus. Not my doing, not my works, but His. In this Love there is no punishment, condemnation or fear. At that moment, when I allowed these thoughts to take root in my heart, feel them, my beliefs about forgiveness changed; I started to see forgiveness as directly sending away the offenses. Not because doing it, I will gain the love, approval, or blessings of my Heavenly Father; I have those no matter what, but because they are not healthy to store them. I do not have use for them. They only hold me back from the amazing present, and future God offers me. Forgiveness became the key to a happy and joyous life. The heaviness of this religious rule did not weigh me down anymore. This simple process of sending offenses away seemed way too simple and easy. But it came down to this reality, do I do it or not? First, I hesitated. This method was just way too simple. I realized, by sending offenses away, my ego gets a little bit shaken. Some resentments are more significant than others; holding onto offenses makes us feel right; pride sings those songs for us, and so we dance. And by sending offenses away, will I be saying what happened was okay? Sending away, it is a straightforward process, in the moment when the feelings arise, I send them away, with a simple phrase such as "I do not want you(you name the feeling), you do not serve a purpose in my life, you are not from God, I send you away." When I do not know how to describe the feeling, I just called them negative emotions. That's it. It works. It is simple, but it is not easy. It is hard for the reason that sending away it comes with the decision of letting it go; it is not easy because we need to stop justifying it, analyzing it. Some days it feels I am sending away so many feelings, but the more I practice this, the freer and happier I am. Jesus was right; it is not seven times; I have days when it is more like 490 times. But I would gladly do this, instead of holding them, and let them keep me back from a healthy mind, body, spirit, and soul. Looking back, now I see why I struggled so much with forgiveness. I believed forgiveness is a duty, saying what happened was okay, as releasing the person, like nothing ever happened, no matter how big the hurt was. Forgiveness meant allowing the same kinds of pains or hurtful people back into my life. But how about me,and what has been done to me? Forgiveness equaled being a doormat. Forgiveness indicated we don't set boundaries. It placed such a heavy burden on me. It felt like I was the one who did the wrong. I attached so much guilt and condemnation to the act of forgiveness; it felt like a religious command, that had to be done out of obedience. I read so many articles and books on this, I've heard so many sermons, so many steps to take to forgive, none of them offered a simple process or solution...and as the burden was getting heavier and heavier,I was getting further and further away from the Love of my Heavenly Father. And as I kept holding onto my resentments, the offenses kept making me sick physically. Now I see forgiveness as releasing the burden and the toxicity it places on and in me, sending it away, and leaving it in the capable hands of God. No rules, no religion, no burden, it is a simple process that yields impressive fruits. I see it and feel it, as an act of love from me to me, an act of Love from God to me. And now it just comes down to one choice, do I do it, or not...am I going to send it away, or not?