Cruising down on Folly Avenue!

Growing up my father expressed to me on many occasions that I am an excellent child, but one thing I do that is “annoying” , is that I love to have the last word no matter what....no matter if I am right or wrong, no matter if it’s timely or not, no matter what it will cost me... I know he was right, and unfortunately I brought that “annoyance” with me in my adulthood as well... In today’s world we would describe this as a strong independent woman...who knows what she wants and is not afraid to be herself and speak her mind....Right! With that said, this week I had the wonderful and hard opportunity to learn a very hard but a very great and precious lesson, about speaking and vulnerability...the other day I just blogged about my lessons about listening....and yes I blogged and talked before about vulnerability, but this week my lesson not just that it hit home , but was also very hard ....but no matter how hard the lesson is, the most important fact is: Did it teach me something valuable ? Did it change me? Would I put it in practice? Would I behave differently? You bet .... This past week I offered not just my feelings and desires about what I would like , but also my opinion and my 2 cents about how this should be done, making sure my point of view can come across loud and clear...even using examples and long explanations....there were my last words once again, unsolicited..and of course I was not in the wrong...I exalted myself and my actions, casting a shadow on the other person’s words and doings...I was all that and a bag of chips....what can I say, first I felt so good about myself, almost proud that I was able to let my walls down and “express” my needs and feelings and desires and opinions ....I felt like I was riding on the wings of vulnerability, I was high and mighty...I didn’t see anything wrong with it, and yes I felt a sort of entailment feeling, by going down this route...I am not even sure if I cared too much about how my loved one felt about my “expressing myself”...actually I didn’t, after all I was right in my own eyes... In the past I’ve done so many things that made me to turn back and apologize for them, I got tired of my own self running the same defeated race....so God and I had developed a interesting system between us, I asked Him few years ago, that if I act out in the wrong, to not let me in the wrong without constant tapping on the door of my heart, and do not let me “ be”, till helping me to see my blind spots and from there till I learn and change...I can tell you it’s a very uncomfortable system, but amazingly effective...humbling in every sense of the word...and the tap is always loving and gentle, never controlling or condescending... So yes, the taping started once I “expressed” myself...and of course not just the tapping but also other things happened between that made the taping even more persistent...my heart wasn’t just softening but also aching... As the tapping was getting louder, I started to seek the Lord with more “enthusiasm “, which led me to look into folly and wisdom....2 characters from the book of proverbs...both described feminine, wisdom a lady, folly a woman....big difference...there are similarities between them, one example would be that both of them are inviting and persistent in following her...but also huge differences....folly involves pride, being right in my own eyes, having my unsolicited last words, you get the picture....wisdom involves humbleness, putting others above and not beneath, and wisdom always prizes insight over ego. At this point you might ask, what all of this has to do with speaking and vulnerability...let me share my point of view... So yes, I believe it is ok to express myself and what I feel and need and see and desire, yes I see that as vulnerability or openness, truthfulness ....We must value honesty and truth above anything....we must be true to ourselves and allowing ourselves for us to be our real self....But...even though it is ok to say, express, ask what I feel, desire, need, want, would like, it needs to stop right there...what I did wrong last week ( and many other times before)? I didn’t just, express myself, I blame-shifted, there is one thing to come out and say what I would like, or express my feelings and desires, and there is a whole other thing to have an explanation of how I see my expectations fulfilled ... I took what I would like and want, and I twisted it in a shame and blame thing, making it all about me...it’s really taking blame and putting it on others ...its shifting responsibility to the other person, and making myself look superior....it’s simply pride...yes I know, pride is not attractive at all......that is not communicating and it’s not vulnerability, that’s it is simply folly.

And this trip down on Folly Avenue it’s always about me and myself, my rights, my views, my wants, always exalts me and myself, disregarding the other, putting me in the right and you in the wrong...after all somebody needs to take the blame, might as well not be me!  So how I see real vulnerability now?   I am learning that real vulnerability is to be able to be open about who I am, what I want and that’s it, no finger pointing to what the other does and doesn’t , making the other person feel bad, condemn, under-appreciated, undermined, and using their own information against them....and to be aware that folly can disguise herself as wisdom ... I do not have a desire anymore to be a strong independent woman who speaks her mind, I want to be a woman full of Gods wisdom, grace and love ...I do not have to have the last word, nor to always have to be right....Frank Sinatra’s “I did it my way” is overrated... 

“The beginning of wisdom is: Acquire wisdom; And with all your acquiring, get understanding. Prize her, and she will exalt you; She will honor you if you embrace her. She will place on your head a garland of grace; She will present you with a crown of beauty.” (Proverbs 4:7-9)