When the heart dances!

Sunday afternoon, hidden between those big beautiful green mountains of Scotland , I propped myself next to the lake, and checked if I can listen to the Sunday morning service from back home....the view was gorgeous and peaceful....I would’ve never guess in that moment, that the next 30 minutes or so, will challenge everything inside of me...God had orchestrated this in such a beautiful and powerful way...I was away from distractions, it was so beautiful outside, and He had my full attention... The series that just started that morning was “Smooth Criminals”, the study “Straight to the heart”....and yes straight to the heart where God was going with me. But first let me take you back a little, into my past....the past couple of years, “vulnerability” become such a buzz word, and her sister “intimacy” became famous as well.. Being a very curious and diligent student at heart, I set my journey to read as much literature as I was able to, on both. I wanted to understand, I desired to wrap my mind around these beautiful concepts, so I kept studying. As I read so many wonderful books, and heard so many gifted speakers, I realized that understanding them with my mind will not suffice...it’s not just a mind( understanding) issue, it is really much more of a heart one. So the question that remained, it was: how one does become vulnerable? In a world of pretenses, a world where we sell only the best parts of ourselves, in a world of makeup and instant gratification,

a world of social media, a fast lane and pace life, how does vulnerability look like? How do I act vulnerable and where do I start? I’ve learned that this it is a journey and not a destination, we learn how to be vulnerable in different ways, shapes and forms, every day, as long as we travel through life... How do we love to say and encourage others with this phrase:” you just need to be yourself , just be real”...but what does that even mean? Is being myself is the same as being vulnerable? And where do healthy boundaries fall into place? How do I filter between being real or just being obnoxious? Where do you start and stop?Will I get hurt if I am being just myself, real or vulnerable? Will I be taken advantage of?..What if I don’t like myself?...all these questions where floating in my wondering and very curious brain of mine ... Sure, fear has it’s on place in chocking out our vulnerability, fear of rejection, fear of being laughed at, fear of being left out, fear of : you name it...But to me it was so much more than just fear. I knew I can conquer my fears eventually, so it was much more deeper.

Till one day I came to realize that the root cause of it, for me, was simply not knowing how to be vulnerable. It was something new, mysterious, powerful and scary at the same time...I simply realized I do not know how to “act” vulnerable. Add fear plus not knowing, it equals in not wanting to even adventure in trying. Of course all of this did not stop me from studying it, trying it, failing and starting all over..but something was still missing from this equation. And here comes the “straight to the heart” message....it was the organic tasty cherry on the top of my very scrumptious and delicious ice cream.

Ashley’s words strike the right cord, right into the center of my heart:” we have to shift from behavioral modification to our heart transformation!” Well Yes, it is easier and less painful for us to just ignore the problem, blame others, than to admit our incompetence, or our fault. In that moment it became clear to me that being vulnerable is not a behavioral modification, it is not an act, it is really a heart transformation.....and I can see that a real transformation started when I was able to be honest with myself and realized that I do not know how to be vulnerable...to me vulnerability starts with the work in my own heart, it has hardly to do anything with the people around me, what they do, what they say or what they think. I was always excellent at working and changing my behavior, but the issue was lying in my heart...many times my mental fights are really about “nothings”. Till I have heart issues, no matter how many times and how much effort I place in my behavioral changes, the changes will not stick, no matter how hard or sincere I will try. To me, Real and sincere vulnerability will flow and be naturally organic as my heart is tended, cared for, transformed by me and the love of Jesus. It is not an act. My actions and words and behaviors are actually a reflection of what is going on in my heart. My heart is the source, where everything comes from.

How much easier is to say to ourselves and others that we just made an uncharacteristic mistake, instead of admitting (especially to ourselves) that we have something wrong with our hearts. To me personally this message was not just enlightening, but also a huge relief... You might ask why a relief?

My answer is because I see this as something that depends on me...it’s up to me to work on my heart, open it up, let God transform it...this does not depends on external circumstances, other folks’ opinions or behaviors, I don’t need to wait on others, or better said I am not at the mercy of coincidences, circumstances and others.

I can start at any time and I can put in as much love, effort and willingness as much as I desire. No matter what it is, anger, fear, bitterness, shame, jealousy, anxiety, revenge ...you name it...they cannot hold us down, they cannot still our love, joy, laughter, vulnerability, peace or intimacy...unless we allow it, unless we keep tending to our behavioral changes instead of our own heart transformation. In the moment that this hit my heart, I could only sing and dance to this line from Elevation, Call Upon The Lord: “Rise your shackles are no more” I am not minimizing life circumstances, life happens and sometimes it’s not just hard , but it hurts as well, but rather I am exalting the fact that we are not at the mercy of our feelings, moods and circumstances. So what do I do when I struggle with such behaviors, when vulnerability is down right hard ? now I can take a step back and first take a look at my own heart, tend to it with love, gentleness and care....see first what is going on in there, what needs to be changed, and trust the Lover of my soul to transform my heart...and the rest follows... I am not saying it’s easy, but it is very simple! 

But no longer I will be in need of apologizing for “uncharacteristic behaviors” instead freely I can say out loud, wait a minute there is something wrong with my heart, let me tend to it! And that will not only bring vulnerability and intimacy but peace, love, freedom and live as well! “Above all else, guard your heart,  for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23) “I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let’s think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow—that’s vulnerability.” “Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in.” (Brené Brown)